Enough with the tag lines and buzz words, yo. SO DONE!

Something about these twenty-teens seems to foster phrases such as the above. I’m just so done with “so done”. Also, if I see one more post promising a harrowing reveal that will “shake me to my core,” I’ma shake someone to their death. At this point, when a Facebook member shares a story to make my “heart melt,” my heart reverently wishes their face would melt à la Raiders of the Lost Ark.

This trend is prolifically apparent in the job hunting world. Job descriptions are always accompanied by buzz words, tag lines and catch phrases. EVERY prospective employee, no matter what position, MUST be a “multi-tasking expert” and MUST be able to handle “high-volume, fast-paced, work environments” yet remain “calm under pressure” at all times. An assistant to a zen community of Buddhist monks would need rapid-fire, trouble-shooting, problem-solving abilities in 2017.

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Seeking!

An enthusiastic, creative, self-motivated, forward-thinking certified genius who thrives in fast-paced, stressful, “shake you to your core” environments. Do have over three years experience in this field while also holding an advanced, specific degree in same field? Then you already have a job!

But if not, apply for the chance to join our growing network of team-building, group-like, family-style, bubbled-up bundles! Applicant MUST be EXPERT LEVEL in Google Everything, Microsoft Everything, Mac Everything, Adobe everything, Linux everything, making coffee, advanced nuclear physics, ALL platforms of social media, metalsmithing, Powerpoint, making coffee, Final Cut, Final Draft, Final Fantasy, balancing pickles on one’s nose and making coffee.

The perfect candidate will be excited to build our company for us while we take clients out to expensive lunches and dinners. S/he will also be passionate about working overtime for absolutely no compensation as we play Facebook in our office.

You love: constant change, self direction, bosses with no accountability, mean people, working through lunch, feeling overwhelmed, nervous breakdowns, universal conundrums, ordering lunch for others, being yelled at, problems with no solutions, drudgery, and sleep deprivation.

We provide: 50+ hour work weeks, long commutes, no breaks, minuscule health coverage, one sick day every two years, cramped cubicles, lazy co-workers and massages! (Massages available only to employees with over 65 years at the company.)

We look forward to meeting the self-starter, team-player, go-getter who will join our rapidly-expanding, exciting, world-leading, articulate, forward-moving, innovative, career-building, outstanding, time-traveling, heart-melting, from-scratch, awesome-saucey family/team/group/company/corporation/monopoly!