I’ve just been wandering my apartment aimlessly for the last ten minutes. I don’t know what to do with myself or what I want to do. I guess that big fight is starting soon. That fight with Mayweather and McGregor. Those are their names, right? I don’t know. I don’t care. Hooray!! Two people who are strangers to me are going to get violent with each other and make a bazillion dollars!! On top of the bazillions of dollars they already have!!

I’d only be interested in going to see the fight so I could be social. And maybe drink some alcohol. Oh wait, now I don’t wanna do that anymore. Nope. I don’t wanna be social. I want to hide in my apartment and wear pajamas and be sober. Going out would mean having to put make up on my face and dress cute. It wouldn’t really mean that but yes, it would.

I’ve been a little bit angry and rebellious of the whole, ladies should wear make up to look “professional” thing. Make up feels gross on my face. It takes too long, I’m not really good at it and when I wear it, cat hairs stick to my cheeks and chin and eyeballs. It’s like a cat hair magnet.

Just living is a cat hair magnet. And my little kitty’s hair is so fine and soft…it’s very nice to pat when it stays on him. When it gets on me, I turn into a psychopath. So I’m a psychopath all the time. Yesterday I removed four hairs from ONE eyeball.

But yeah, why are women expected to wear make up all the time? If I don’t wear make up I usually get asked those awesome questions, “Are you sick?” or, “Couldn’t sleep last night?” or, “Did you die?” That’s not nice.

Companies are allowed to make it a dress code requirement as long as there are similar requirements for guys. Like, they have to shave their face and keep their hair short. Some companies don’t care and that’s cool. My new employer couldn’t care less and I seriously love her for that. We can also have tattoos and wear jeans or shorts…or jean shorts.

That made me think of “It’s Always Sunny” (but really, what doesn’t?).

In the world of hipster millennial style, guys look “good” with lumberjack facial hair, drop-crotch sweatpants (barf) and man-buns (BARF). While girls wear lash extensions that reach up to their foreheads, Groucho Marx eyebrows and tribal stripes of spackle called “contouring.” Jeans look like you went to the E.R. and they had to cut your pants off you.

There is an actual make up product called “Spackle.” I found that out because of an internet search to spell-check the word “spackle” (my computer didn’t know it). It is an “Even-Tone Under Make Up Primer Treatment” offered by Laura Geller. Use my code DUMB&GROSS in the checkout for .005% off!! (lie)

Social media is destroying us. Here, let me post a blog update about it.

I want to eat everything in the world. Everything bad and greasy and fried. And sweet and chocolate and fried.

I want a Pizza Hut Pan pizza. And a munchie meal from Jack in the Box. The chicken tater melt one.

My God, the humanity.

That munchie meal thing consists of a chicken “sandwich”, two tacos, “halfsies” and a soda. Explanation; the chicken sandwich has a processed fried chicken patty, hash browns, bacon, three types of cheese and ranch sauce on a CROISSANT. Oh, but don’t worry, I’ll ask for sourdough instead. “Halfsies” are half regular fries and half curly fries. And I like getting Fanta with my fast food these days. The whole “meal” probably totals at ten billion empty calories. Vegans are weeping in despair. And retching in disgust.

I also want to eat the whole bag of Reese’s miniature peanut butter cups stuffed with Reese Pieces I bought the other day. And a pint of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream.

But I posted a picture of zucchini and garbanzo beans on Instagram.


Answer: PMS.